I just need to release some inner turmoil

I'm having one of those evenings, and I know I'm not going to be able to sleep a wink tonight if I don't just spill it all out right here. The 'blog is therapeutic, ya?

My mom's uncle passed last Friday. The wake is tomorrow evening, and the funeral is Friday morning. My grandmother is now in town (which means we are at level orange). Tonight we found out that my cousin, who is just a year older than I am, will probably not live through the night. She's been battling leukemia for about a year and a half. It had gone into remission (with some bone marrow from her sister), but then they discovered she had brain cancer. This was only two weeks ago, so I am kind of shocked at how quickly it has come to this. I guess I am just shocked by the whole situation. Here we are gathering for a funeral, and we have another one so soon. My cousin and I were quite close as children, but not so close past the age of 6. Nothing to do with animosity, just different life paths in general. She has a son in his early twenties, and a daughter who is probably 8 or 9. I feel so bad for her husband, her mother, her children.

It feels so extremely WRONG to verbalize the following: this is a hectic work week for me; I am wrapping up my month-end, and working the bugs out of my new budgets, and I'm leaving for week-long vacation Saturday. I still have activity reports to wrap up, vacation details to finalize, packing for the trip and getting the pets settled in their temporary digs, a theater board meeting tomorrow evening (and I need to squeeze out a financial report before then), and one more mystery shop to complete. Oh, I almost forgot, I also need to set up the theater box office procedures for the gal who is covering for me....

See, I told you it was wrong. It sounds so utterly shallow to be worrying about such things at a time like this. Initially, I was not conflicted. I figured I'd send flowers if her funeral was scheduled during our vacation. But I could tell that my mom is conflicted. And that got me to thinking. What kind of example am I setting for my kids if we continue with our vacation plans? I asked Dylan that question, and he wasn't sure what I meant. His view was that we weren't really close, so it wasn't mandatory. I told him I agreed on that level, since I really couldn't tell you much about her, her favorite things, her job, her hobbies. But what about my aunt? She does see my parents on a fairly regular basis - - I guess my mom talks to her (former sister-in-law) a few times a year - - I think I would feel guilty every time I saw her from now on, if I didn't attend the funeral. But do people really focus in on that? When you're surrounded by family, do you notice who is not at a funeral? And now, when I ask a question like that, I realize I am just rationalizing and grasping for selfish, self-serving excuses.

So I will have a heart-to-heart talk with my mom tomorrow. And I will be totally open to my familial responsibilities. Funerals are, after all, for the living.

Thanks for listening. I was going to try to get some work done in the wee hours, but now I think I can just get some sleep and hit the work hard in the morning.

~Lisa