Little epiphanies

I do so much thinking while I am driving. Today, I was struck by the realization that it is not the fear of trusting someone to love again has been my stumbling block, but rather the fear of trusting MYSELF to make a "correct decision.

I've never regretted marrying [...Him...]. I still stand by that decision. It was the right decision, and for the right reasons. But even doing everything "right" still didn't work out. And that is what had cut my legs out from beneath me. That is what has been holding me back.

A few nights ago, I told my boyfriend of two years that the "never marrying again" rule is off the table. I explained I wasn't telling him this because I expected anything right now, or even in the near future, I was just letting him know that that rule was scratched from the list. And this very sweet, very patient man said just one word, a very enthusiastic "Yay!" He has always given me the space I need to feel comfortable and confident. I feel very lucky to have him, and that's a wonderful feeling. Since that night, we have segued into talking about the future, actually planning our future. There is a new and palpable excitement within us. The prospect of retiring doesn't seem so daunting any longer. I am open to new adventures, and even though it's going to be much different than the plan I originally had, it's still going to be wonderful. I'm pretty sure I found my new navigator!

Happy is amazing.

Gifts, unappreciated

I gave my husband the gift of rational discourse.

While we were married, I let him know he had a drinking problem. Peacefully. It never devolved into a yelling argument. I would wait until he was sober, and let him know...this is a problem, and you need to fix it. This is still a problem for me, and only you can fix it. This is still a problem, and you need to know that I am only sticking around in order to run interference with our kids. I am waiting for them to be old enough, or for you to do something stupid so that I can stand in front of a judge and ask that you not get unsupervised custody. Yes, he would drink and drive.

At one point, when we were remodeling our kitchen, he asked what style of cabinetry I wanted. I straight up said, "Look, your drinking is still a problem, so don't do the kitchen based on my taste, we might be selling this house in a few years once the kids are old enough, so let's do it in a way that will give us the most return on our investment." This was while he was stone sober, standing face to face with me, without any anger, sarcasm, or snideness.

I gave my husband the gift of options.

When the marriage counselor forced me to utter an ultimatum, I finally relented against my better judgement. Years later, when I look back at that moment, I'm still frustrated with the counselor for forcing me to give an ultimatum, but part of me also believes that he knew what that answer would be, and he needed us both to hear it, maybe he knew I needed to be fully shattered so that I could be more confident in my resolve.

I gave my husband the gift of time.

Once I finally kicked him out, and he began sobriety through AA, I told him we did not need to make any big decisions. I told him he should not make any big decisions so early in his sobriety. I preferred a legal separation over a divorce. It would protect us in either direction, and could easily be turned into a legal divorce at any time in the future. I let him rent a room in my home, so that he could re-establish a relationship with our daughters, as he had been drunk half their lives. The caveat was that he had to maintain sobriety. It often felt that he was only living under my roof so that he could keep tabs on me, rather than investing that time in our daughters. Just a couple of months into his sobriety, he declared we had to get a divorce, because he could not find women who would date him if he was only separated. I remember telling him at that moment, "I'm handing you a gift, and you are rejecting it so you can date women?!?"

I gave my husband the gift of finality.

There was some time a few weeks after he became sober where I could feel that he wasn't taking me or our split seriously. I could tell he was hanging his hopes on the longstanding cycle of "if I just behave for a while, she'll calm down and things will go back to normal" routine. By then, I had started dating my boyfriend, and even though that started off as a two-friends-going-through-similar-problems thing, it quickly became apparent that he and I were two emotionally-starved beings finally being fed, and I knew there was no going back. I told my boyfriend, I can tell he's not taking me seriously, I can tell we are going to have to have an actual showdown. That same weekend, it happened. This was the story as I relayed it shortly after it happened (July 11, 2015):

Well, it happened. [...He...] and I had the big emotional showdown that needed to happen to propel our broken marriage to the next step. I guess I didn't realize how much denial he was in, even after I was so freakin' clear this morning at breakfast. When I returned from Santa Barbara, I called him to thank him for mowing the lawn, and I suggested he could stay at the house Saturday night with the girls, since I would be gone. He asked where I was going to be, and I reminded him that I was going to a concert with my friend. That's when it finally sunk in. Because I could tell it was sinking in, I took that opportunity to reiterate that his drinking was the cause of the demise of our marriage, not a third person...I didn't get involved with this person until the marriage was broken, I needed him to accept that it was his drinking, and he agreed, and said he understood.

So I get home from theater at about 9:30pm, and I'm sitting in the driveway waiting for a song to end, when he pulls up with [...our son...]. I get out of my car and start unloading groceries, and he finally gets out of the car. I ask him why he's there, and he says he needs to put something away for safekeeping. I ask him what exactly needs to be put away at this moment, and he declares, his wedding ring! WTF?!? So I chuckle, and say, "Oh, are we going to talk about this like adults, or are we just going to be dramatic?" He insists he's not being dramatic, but I point out there is absolutely no logical reason why he has to remove his wedding band at this moment, it's a ridiculous gesture. I then proceed to tell him I don't understand why he is making me out to be the bad guy, he's the one who ruined everything, that I could've been happy with him forever, and that I've been more fair than anybody could be expected to be, I gave him so much notice, so much information, so many chances to make the change. Then, I started to cry and went into the house, and into the garage because the girls were in the living room. He followed me, and I said, "look, if you don't want to keep our family together in an amicable way, that's fine. I'm just trying to give you the opportunity to rebuild a relationship with your kids, especially your daughters, because they need you right now...but you need to accept that you and I are done. If you had taken me seriously last year, maybe we could've pieced this thing back together. But it is unfair for you to think I would be willing to risk any more time, effort, or heartache in the hopes that you are really going to fix it this time. I finally have someone in my life who adores me, and I am here struggling with whether or not I deserve this happiness, and this person has to work so hard to convince me that I do. I am not willing to give that up." He says "But I still love you.", and I say "You've basically been abusing me for the past several years, and you can't even explain why, how can you call that love? Any love I feel for you is based on a thirty year history, but there is no more admiration or respect because you've been such a dick and an asshole for the past few years. That's not love. You've been treating me like I am a prisoner because I made vows to you." He says, "You're right. I emotionally abandoned you." and I add, "and if I hadn't finally put my foot down, you would still be doing it.", and he agreed. We stood in silence for several minutes. Most of this conversation occurred without any eye contact, which was odd but necessary. Then he started crying, and saying "I ruined it" and "I thought you would give me another chance.." and I did nothing to comfort him, my heart was like a stone, because I knew this had to happen, it was the right thing for him to realize. Saying "it'll be okay" would've been a huge step backward. I told him my greatest fear right now is that I won't have the strength to see this through, and I am determined not to let that happen. I will never go back to that place. But how we work it out with our family and the future would be up to him. I was willing to maintain a marriage of friendship for the sake of our family, but if he can't do that, then we can completely cut ties and just get on with our separate lives. I suggested he talk to his therapist about it. And that's where it ended. He said goodbye, and left.

I think this was big progress for us, because we obviously need to keep chipping away at the denial. And he needs the emotional upheaval to test his sobriety. I knew this had to happen, and I'm glad I pushed the issue forward so it would happen.

 

I gave my husband the gift of financial integrity.

 

I was prepared to walk away completely. That's how it feels when you finally come to the decision that leaving is your only option. You wrestle with a decision like this for a very long time. I understand that now. People on the outside can't really understand it. They think you've just "moved on" so quickly, they don't realize it has likely taken years to get to this point, that divesting is a process, not a singular act. So, I told him I didn't even want a house (we had two). He insisted I take a house. Other than that, he cannot complain one iota about our divorce affecting him financially. I did not touch his sizable retirement savings. That was the way it was always going to be. So, when he told me that the first thing his dad said to him when he told him we were splitting was "She is going to take you to the cleaners!", I have to admit my pride did rear it's ugly head for a moment. I was hurt, I was offended, but then I convinced myself to just let it go. Whatever! There are times when I kick myself for not taking what was legally available for me to share, such as when I try to plan my own retirement, or when [...He...] does something financially petty*. But overall, I think I made the right choice for myself, and I'll be all right in the long run. In other words, WORTH IT!

 

*I will share examples in the future

Sidenote - Carousels

Being in love with an alcoholic is like being on a carousel. It's all fun and colorful but you realize you're only going around in circles. You can turn your head and look in a different direction, but you're still going around in circles. You can sit on a different animal, you can laugh and smile, but you're still going in circles.

I used to love carousels.

Going back to the beginning...of the end

This is the email I sent out to our closest friends in July 2015, detailing how and why we separated. I'm not sure why it is important for me to share this, and while I wrestle with keeping private things private, I also feel very strongly that this is my story to share, and that it may be helpful to others in one way or another. This is the starting point, to lay out the framework of what happened, and now I can go into the various facets and stitch together the story of us. I'm sure at some point, I will go further back, to the very beginnings of our relationship, but for now, this is the part that I want to be done with, and I need to memorialize it before it becomes so fuzzy and smoothed over, that it loses the sharpness that nearly drove me crazy in the first place. So here it goes:

Hi,

This is an update for those of you who haven't heard yet. [...He...] and I are separated. Most of you gals know what I have been dealing with, as we have had talks over the years, but I'm sure the guys are mostly unaware...
 

As you all know, [...He...] had gastric bypass surgery in late 2006. By 2009, he was abusing alcohol, which is a common occurrence with many gastric bypass patients. Since he could no longer eat in order to deal with emotions, he turned to alcohol. Even if it hadn't been alcohol, I felt it likely would've manifested in some other addictive behavior, ie gambling, shoplifting, porn, etc. You all know I am a very blunt, straightforward gal. I put him on notice back in '09. By 2011, it was very bad, but the girls were still too young, and I could not risk having to share custody and not be with them in his presence. Now, mind you, he is never abusive or ugly when he drinks, but he can be careless. The surgery also affected the way his body metabolizes, since it goes directly into his intestines and into his bloodstream, so it takes much less alcohol for him to become drunk. So there were times during those years that I would find him being careless about drinking and driving, and I did not want to risk leaving the girls unattended with him. I continued to remind him, this was a problem, and that I was only sticking around for the girls to get older.
 

Things came to a head last July 4th (2014), and we actually separated at that time. I got the girls to attend Alateen meetings, and I went to Alanon. [...He...] and I went into counseling together. Counseling didn't really do much good; [...He...] just agreed with everything I said. He and the counselor treated our separation at that time as if it were actually an ultimatum, which it wasn't. There had been plenty of advance notice that this was coming, so I didn't feel the need to make one last stand by ultimatum. You can't make someone change, they have to want to change, and someone changing due to an ultimatum is only going to postpone disappointment. So, against my better judgment, I did finally relent, and said that I would reconsider reconciling after he was sober for one year. Without any hesitation, [...he...] replied, "Absolutely not!". So that is where we left it. Basically, a stalemate, and I was left with the emptiness of knowing that my husband would choose beer over our life together. The year was winding down, I had major surgery scheduled, and I didn't think it was the right time to start the major upheaval. Like I said before, he is never abusive, so living together isn't so terrible, it's just annoying when he slurs and sways, and can't remember conversations from the day before. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is stoned all the time, in my opinion.
 

Fast forward to the present (or about six weeks ago). The drinking is as bad as ever. I've had it. I am now setting a poor example for my teenage daughters, on how they should be treated and what they should tolerate in a relationship. They saw me take a stand, and NOT follow through. Now, that is more important than my discomfort, my fear, my disappointment, or my pride. I apologized to [...our daughters...], for not taking care of this last fall when I should have, and they have so much wisdom, they told me they actually needed the time to see that he didn't do anything to fix the problem when he should have. I had him move out (he stayed with his dad). He began attending AA, and recently got his 30-day chip. I am trying to be as encouraging to him, and helping him re-establish a healthy relationship with his kids, especially with the girls. I will always have love in my heart for him, as we have so much history and friendship together. I expect to continue to collaborate with him in our theatrical endeavors. We make a good team. But I cannot be his life partner in the traditional sense any longer. I'm not sure what this is going to look like. My plan has been not to destroy everything we've worked so hard to accomplish. I don't need to divorce and split everything up. I'm not looking to ever be married again. I did allow him to move back into the home, into a spare bedroom, so he can interact with the girls more frequently and more naturally, as long as he is not drinking. I'm really hoping this living arrangement can work for a very long time. If he can't or won't handle it, my next step is to go with the scorched earth plan: file for divorce, let the system bleed us dry, pay horrendous amounts of money to lawyers, sell two houses, move into a box, eat beans every day, and work as many jobs as I need to, to make ends meet. It is worth it to me, I'm just trying to save something for him...
 

I am writing to let you know because you are our dearest friends. I don't think he would even broach the subject, I think he is still in a lot of denial. Right now, I am concerned because his focus seems to be on winning me back, and I have to keep asserting that should not be his priority right now. His counseling needs to focus on his emotional needs, which started long before I came into his life. I'm not going backwards. Finally taking control of my home life has manifested some very positive changes in other areas of my life, I guess I didn't even realize how bogged down this problem was making me. The only way I can describe it is, I don't think I could ever fit into that box again.
 

My commitment to you all is the same commitment I have made to my kids...I will not bring a third party into their lives. That's not to say that I won't have another person in my life, but that I won't insert them into this part of my life. The family and friends I share with [...him...], will remain sacred. I don't want you guys to feel that you need to choose sides. I will always be cordial and friendly with [...him...] in social settings, so you never need to fear any weirdness about having us together in the same place. Please believe that. Your prayers and loving thoughts are much appreciated for our family.

xo,

Lisa

#alanon

I may have waited too long.

I think I waited too long to write about my/our divorce. Looking back, it was such a long and arduous process, and when it finally crescendo’d, I really didn’t want to mull it over and dissect it. I had already spent years doing that, coming to terms with the need to…give up?...walk away?...fail?...and then, once I was on the other side of it, once I was resigned to it, once I had gotten out from under that very dark cloud, I wasn’t too keen on hanging out there. I was also concerned that my words would be harsher than prudent; I needed the sharpness to dull a bit.

The divorce has been final for 18 months now, although it was more than six years in the works prior to the actual filing. Our youngest children are now 18 years old. I want to be able to move forward freely, and as I continue to have incremental awakenings, realizations of how far I’ve come, of how unburdened I am, how liberated and free…I want to lay my experience out in some sort of a logical way, almost like a quilt. Despite the pain of the situation, there was also some very humorous moments, some loving moments, and mostly some growth.

So, my inspiration is to set some of these stories down, for the sake of the story.

 

The girls and I spent the night with their dad and his girlfriend last weekend, at the cabin. It used to be our cabin, but now it's just his cabin. It was their first time meeting the girlfriend, and I felt it would be helpful to be a buffer for them, and they appreciated it. They are very good about being nonplussed about the whole situation. That's the benefit of being a twin, I suppose. I made a concerted effort to be a guest, and not make myself "at home" in my former vacation home. It was only mildly surreal to be surrounded by my stuff, in my kitchen, but know that it was no longer mine. Example: I asked if I could put the items from our ice chest into the refrigerator, rather than just walking into the kitchen and doing it. I think this was important to me, to set an example for John, as he has struggled to acknowledge that our primary house is now my house, and he was a little slow on understanding the new boundaries, such as knocking at the door vs walking right in, or opening my fridge, or checking for the mail. Anyway, I digress. He's a work in progress, as we all are, but he's a little more stubborn than most...

...back to my story. My favorite part of the visit was the moment when I laid down to sleep, in the guest room, just above the master bedroom. I switched off the light, and as the beautiful moonlight streamed into the bedroom, I took a moment to analyze the situation. I said to myself, "Lisa, you are sleeping in the guest room of your former home, and your husband is downstairs in your former bedroom - - in your former bed! - - with his new girlfriend. How does that make you feel?" I literally asked myself that. I have to stop and analyze my feelings, because I don't keep them at the surface at all times. So I thought about it for about a minute. I went inward, to try the feelings on, like the dressing room at a clothing store. And I felt nothing. It was perfectly still, perfectly fine, it was as it needed to be. I was completely at peace there. And I was very relieved. Relieved to be truly free...free of doubt, free of regret. And while that was an awesome feeling, it actually rippled to a much larger revelation. From the beginning of the end of my marriage, I was bound and determined to never marry again. I made this rule, among many other rules, very clear to my boyfriend before agreeing to date him two years ago. But the further I have moved beyond the hurt, anger, and frustration of my marriage, and the happiness that I have experienced since then, as I was driving home from our trip, I was struck with the realization that I don't have to deny myself the opportunity and privilege to be part of an established married couple. I deserve that. I want to be married again. I cannot believe I feel that way. But it feels very settled within me now. I'm not taking it as a personal failure any more. That fact that he drank too much, unabashedly and without even trying to temper it for our benefit during our visit, probably helped reinforce that.