Hi,
This is an update for those of you who haven't heard yet. [...He...] and I are separated. Most of you gals know what I have been dealing with, as we have had talks over the years, but I'm sure the guys are mostly unaware...
As you all know, [...He...] had gastric bypass surgery in late 2006. By 2009, he was abusing alcohol, which is a common occurrence with many gastric bypass patients. Since he could no longer eat in order to deal with emotions, he turned to alcohol. Even if it hadn't been alcohol, I felt it likely would've manifested in some other addictive behavior, ie gambling, shoplifting, porn, etc. You all know I am a very blunt, straightforward gal. I put him on notice back in '09. By 2011, it was very bad, but the girls were still too young, and I could not risk having to share custody and not be with them in his presence. Now, mind you, he is never abusive or ugly when he drinks, but he can be careless. The surgery also affected the way his body metabolizes, since it goes directly into his intestines and into his bloodstream, so it takes much less alcohol for him to become drunk. So there were times during those years that I would find him being careless about drinking and driving, and I did not want to risk leaving the girls unattended with him. I continued to remind him, this was a problem, and that I was only sticking around for the girls to get older.
Things came to a head last July 4th (2014), and we actually separated at that time. I got the girls to attend Alateen meetings, and I went to Alanon. [...He...] and I went into counseling together. Counseling didn't really do much good; [...He...] just agreed with everything I said. He and the counselor treated our separation at that time as if it were actually an ultimatum, which it wasn't. There had been plenty of advance notice that this was coming, so I didn't feel the need to make one last stand by ultimatum. You can't make someone change, they have to want to change, and someone changing due to an ultimatum is only going to postpone disappointment. So, against my better judgment, I did finally relent, and said that I would reconsider reconciling after he was sober for one year. Without any hesitation, [...he...] replied, "Absolutely not!". So that is where we left it. Basically, a stalemate, and I was left with the emptiness of knowing that my husband would choose beer over our life together. The year was winding down, I had major surgery scheduled, and I didn't think it was the right time to start the major upheaval. Like I said before, he is never abusive, so living together isn't so terrible, it's just annoying when he slurs and sways, and can't remember conversations from the day before. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone who is stoned all the time, in my opinion.
Fast forward to the present (or about six weeks ago). The drinking is as bad as ever. I've had it. I am now setting a poor example for my teenage daughters, on how they should be treated and what they should tolerate in a relationship. They saw me take a stand, and NOT follow through. Now, that is more important than my discomfort, my fear, my disappointment, or my pride. I apologized to [...our daughters...], for not taking care of this last fall when I should have, and they have so much wisdom, they told me they actually needed the time to see that he didn't do anything to fix the problem when he should have. I had him move out (he stayed with his dad). He began attending AA, and recently got his 30-day chip. I am trying to be as encouraging to him, and helping him re-establish a healthy relationship with his kids, especially with the girls. I will always have love in my heart for him, as we have so much history and friendship together. I expect to continue to collaborate with him in our theatrical endeavors. We make a good team. But I cannot be his life partner in the traditional sense any longer. I'm not sure what this is going to look like. My plan has been not to destroy everything we've worked so hard to accomplish. I don't need to divorce and split everything up. I'm not looking to ever be married again. I did allow him to move back into the home, into a spare bedroom, so he can interact with the girls more frequently and more naturally, as long as he is not drinking. I'm really hoping this living arrangement can work for a very long time. If he can't or won't handle it, my next step is to go with the scorched earth plan: file for divorce, let the system bleed us dry, pay horrendous amounts of money to lawyers, sell two houses, move into a box, eat beans every day, and work as many jobs as I need to, to make ends meet. It is worth it to me, I'm just trying to save something for him...
I am writing to let you know because you are our dearest friends. I don't think he would even broach the subject, I think he is still in a lot of denial. Right now, I am concerned because his focus seems to be on winning me back, and I have to keep asserting that should not be his priority right now. His counseling needs to focus on his emotional needs, which started long before I came into his life. I'm not going backwards. Finally taking control of my home life has manifested some very positive changes in other areas of my life, I guess I didn't even realize how bogged down this problem was making me. The only way I can describe it is, I don't think I could ever fit into that box again.
My commitment to you all is the same commitment I have made to my kids...I will not bring a third party into their lives. That's not to say that I won't have another person in my life, but that I won't insert them into this part of my life. The family and friends I share with [...him...], will remain sacred. I don't want you guys to feel that you need to choose sides. I will always be cordial and friendly with [...him...] in social settings, so you never need to fear any weirdness about having us together in the same place. Please believe that. Your prayers and loving thoughts are much appreciated for our family.
xo,
Lisa
#alanon
#alanon
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