I do so much thinking while I am driving. Today, I was struck by the realization that it is not the fear of trusting someone to love again has been my stumbling block, but rather the fear of trusting MYSELF to make a "correct decision.
I've never regretted marrying [...Him...]. I still stand by that decision. It was the right decision, and for the right reasons. But even doing everything "right" still didn't work out. And that is what had cut my legs out from beneath me. That is what has been holding me back.
A few nights ago, I told my boyfriend of two years that the "never marrying again" rule is off the table. I explained I wasn't telling him this because I expected anything right now, or even in the near future, I was just letting him know that that rule was scratched from the list. And this very sweet, very patient man said just one word, a very enthusiastic "Yay!" He has always given me the space I need to feel comfortable and confident. I feel very lucky to have him, and that's a wonderful feeling. Since that night, we have segued into talking about the future, actually planning our future. There is a new and palpable excitement within us. The prospect of retiring doesn't seem so daunting any longer. I am open to new adventures, and even though it's going to be much different than the plan I originally had, it's still going to be wonderful. I'm pretty sure I found my new navigator!
Happy is amazing.
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