Like a giddy teenager

This weekend I will be meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was invited to their early Christmas celebration, at his folks' home, where extended family from Northern California will be visiting. I'm so nervous, I haven't had a "meet the parents" moment in such a long time! My daughter says "they're going to love you!" which is so dang sweet. They are both helping me select my outfit. Having daughters is so awesome! They joined my boyfriend and I for our weekly Thursday night date night again last night. They are really closing that gap and welcoming him into our circle. They are getting to know him, and the fact that he gets a lot of their humor is very helpful. They've both been to his little cottage, and have been very kind and accepting at how tiny it is. As one of them said, while surveying the livingroom / kitchen / bathroom / bedroom square that it is, "it's everything you need!"

It has taken a lot of time and patience to get to this point, and it has been worth it. I had to let them feel their emotions about me being in a relationship, I had to let them express their feelings, even when they said some unpleasant things about it, and I had to respect them as much as I expect them to respect me. It has taken two years, but we are finally there.

Two years ago, when they first realized I was dating someone, they asked me about it...."Are you dating someone?"  The separation had only recently been formalized; even though they had known about the original separation event, we had been in a family state of limbo for about 9 months. Before answering, I asked them, "do you really want to know?" and then I reminded them about the time they had asked if Santa was real. At that time, I asked the same thing: "Do you really want to know? Because sometimes knowing information changes everything. And if you find out that Santa is not real, you will now have a responsibility instead of a fun tradition. So do you really want me to answer your question right now?" For Santa, no, they declined knowing. But for whether or not I was dating someone, yes, they really wanted to know. So I told them yes, I was dating someone. But this person would not be involved in their daily lives while they were still minors. This person would not be coming over to our house and hanging out with us. I kept using "this person", which caused one of them to ask me if I was dating a woman. I replied that it didn't matter, because "this person" was not going to affect their lives. She insisted that it did matter, only because she was now intrigued. I told her no, I was dating a man. The other daughter looked at her sister, and God love her, she said, "It's okay. Look at mom. When was the last time we saw her this happy? She's being responsible about it, and mom deserves this." At that point, I apologized to them both, that I had not finalized the separation from their dad nine months earlier, when it first happened, and instead I had allowed it to languish until it was almost "normal" again. This daughter said, "No, mom, we needed that time. We needed to see that you put him on notice, and he did nothing to fix this. If you had divorced him back then, we would probably be mad at you." Then she looked at me and said, "Just stop acting like a giddy teenager!"

So, two years later, and I am still feeling like a giddy teenager. And they are good with it.

Growth, never-ending

I had a birthday recently. #51. My daughters got me a silly coffee mug which they found at a thrift store, but the actual gift was a handwritten letter from each of them. It is probably my most precious possession at the moment. One of them wrote "Life is finally happy...[it's] finally love and peace, and I'm thankful you're you and that you're my mom." They get it. That's everything I need to know.

We had quite a scare with the Thomas Fire which happened in our area on Dec. 4th. I've never seen a fire move so quickly, it was terrifying. During the aftermath, I realized more and more how removed their father is, and I was able to recognize that old pattern, where I carry more (or all) of the burden and then take it upon myself to include him all in the name of making sure he has a decent relationship with them. I had a friend ask why I make so much effort with that, and I said "I do it because I don't ever want my kids to worry about who to invite to anything in the future..." and when the words came out of my mouth, I heard them and realized how ridiculous they sounded. My friend said, "Lisa, you've already won. Your kids aren't going to fret about making that choice, they are always going to choose you because you are the one and only parent." Wow. That gave me a lot to think about.

I've been fighting to maintain a friendship with a man who couldn't be bothered to maintain a marriage. I've been telling myself it was for the benefit of our children. Yet my children tell me they are okay with having as superfluous of a relationship as their dad is willing to participate in. They are well-grounded and don't have any acting out behaviors. It's time for me to walk away, completely. I can't save him from himself, and it's not my job any longer. I can move forward, with my kids beside me, and have a fully clear conscience that I am giving that man what he wants. He wants to live unencumbered by meaningful relationships. We require more than that. It is what it is. The wisdom to know the difference.

Going even deeper, it also applies to his extended family. Only one of them reached out to me during the fire. I don't need to be connected to them any longer. And our old friends. Only one connects with me with any regularity. It feels exciting and revitalizing to have this new future ahead of me. There is liberation and freedom to have a whole new life ahead of me. I was discussing this with my boyfriend, who amazingly has always given me space and time to come to these realizations on my own, and we are both committed to making plans for our future, together. I think my girls are sensing the shift, too, because they came out dinner with us twice! And they are engaging with him, laughing and having philosophical discussions on strange topics. I even let him sleep inside my house this weekend, for the first time ever. We are talking about marriage, but not rushing into it.

I control my destiny. I control my happiness. And even though I made sacrifices for the well-being of my kids, I can now reap the benefits and be happy for whatever amount of time I have left in this world. I don't have to worry about becoming more and more bitter. I am finally, truly, free.