Growth, never-ending

I had a birthday recently. #51. My daughters got me a silly coffee mug which they found at a thrift store, but the actual gift was a handwritten letter from each of them. It is probably my most precious possession at the moment. One of them wrote "Life is finally happy...[it's] finally love and peace, and I'm thankful you're you and that you're my mom." They get it. That's everything I need to know.

We had quite a scare with the Thomas Fire which happened in our area on Dec. 4th. I've never seen a fire move so quickly, it was terrifying. During the aftermath, I realized more and more how removed their father is, and I was able to recognize that old pattern, where I carry more (or all) of the burden and then take it upon myself to include him all in the name of making sure he has a decent relationship with them. I had a friend ask why I make so much effort with that, and I said "I do it because I don't ever want my kids to worry about who to invite to anything in the future..." and when the words came out of my mouth, I heard them and realized how ridiculous they sounded. My friend said, "Lisa, you've already won. Your kids aren't going to fret about making that choice, they are always going to choose you because you are the one and only parent." Wow. That gave me a lot to think about.

I've been fighting to maintain a friendship with a man who couldn't be bothered to maintain a marriage. I've been telling myself it was for the benefit of our children. Yet my children tell me they are okay with having as superfluous of a relationship as their dad is willing to participate in. They are well-grounded and don't have any acting out behaviors. It's time for me to walk away, completely. I can't save him from himself, and it's not my job any longer. I can move forward, with my kids beside me, and have a fully clear conscience that I am giving that man what he wants. He wants to live unencumbered by meaningful relationships. We require more than that. It is what it is. The wisdom to know the difference.

Going even deeper, it also applies to his extended family. Only one of them reached out to me during the fire. I don't need to be connected to them any longer. And our old friends. Only one connects with me with any regularity. It feels exciting and revitalizing to have this new future ahead of me. There is liberation and freedom to have a whole new life ahead of me. I was discussing this with my boyfriend, who amazingly has always given me space and time to come to these realizations on my own, and we are both committed to making plans for our future, together. I think my girls are sensing the shift, too, because they came out dinner with us twice! And they are engaging with him, laughing and having philosophical discussions on strange topics. I even let him sleep inside my house this weekend, for the first time ever. We are talking about marriage, but not rushing into it.

I control my destiny. I control my happiness. And even though I made sacrifices for the well-being of my kids, I can now reap the benefits and be happy for whatever amount of time I have left in this world. I don't have to worry about becoming more and more bitter. I am finally, truly, free.